Sunday, January 4, 2009

What Makes a Successful Marriage?

My Dad (Gordon) is having a birthday in a couple of weeks. My Mom (Carolyn) is 6 months older. They have an interesting "tradition." When Mom turns a year older in June, Dad thinks of himself as her age as well. He rounds up. Mother does the opposite. She doesn't think of herself as any older until Dad turns that age. She rounds down. So I guess on January 19 of this year, they'll both be 91.

They've been married 68 years. I asked them the secret of a successful marriage, and I was curious to see if their answers would be radically different. They are opposite Myers-Briggs types. Mother is an ENFP and Dad an ISTJ.

Dad enjoys writing, so he sent his answer by e-mail.

Sharry: With respect to your question about successful marriage I would say the most important thing is to share a similar set of basic values - the values that are most important to you. This still leaves plenty of room for differences in personal interests that are outside of one's core values and beliefs. However, to make this work requires a strong measure of self-confidence on the part of both partners. This leads to a mutual respect for each other's differences in interests and personality traits.

With basic values similar and a generous amount of tolerance existing, each can live his/her life with support and encouragement from the other.

Of course, there are certain people around who should be avoided as marriage partners because of some psychological imbalance. One should recognize these and steer clear of them.

Marriage involves "give and take". Each partner may have to give up a few things in order to take advantage of the good qualities of the other. I have not mentioned "love", but it is one of the basics referred to above.

Remember, I am not a psychologist.
- Love, Dad.

Mother finds it easier to talk about what she thinks and have someone else transcribe. Which I did.

I feel that having the same goals is more important than your personality. Neither one of us wanted fame or fortune.We did want a good living, which means to me, having enough.
We wanted good things for our children.
We've been involved in civic and church organizations which requires
discipline and cooperating with others.
It's important to work through things, the rough spots and differences, rather than just say, "Oh well."
I think it's good to have some life experience before you get married. I lived on my own and worked first.
Gordon and I are opposites astrologically. He is a Capricorn and I'm a Leo. We were a good match because I could dream things up, and he would make them happen.

Writing this brought tears to my eyes. I'm so lucky to have had such good parents and to have them still. I've got a nice photo from my visit with them in September, but instead, I decided to post my favorite one. It's from a few years back, but they still look at each other through loving eyes.

12 comments:

lilalia said...

Just lovely.

bugbytelove said...

You are indeed, a very lucky person. And they are lucky also to have a child who honors them so much.

Jerry in Tampa said...

sharry - It's always best to learn anything from those that are successful in whatever you want to do - I'd say your parents certainly qualify as models for those that would like to have a happy, long-term life partnership!! God Bless them!
Linda and I have been married 34 years and we give all the credit to the parents that raised us! My parents were high school sweethearts and were married until death... Linda's parents were the same! They were our examples of what parents, spouses, workers and friends should be!
Cherish your parents example! They both gave you wise advise....

Thank you for sharing this love story with all of us.....

My best to you Sharry!

Jerry in Tampa

donna said...

Beautiful people. You are lucky to still have them in your life. Coming up on six years of losing my mom -- her 81st birthday would have been January 15th. And this will be 15 years since I lost my dad. Still miss them, of course. They had 46 years together. My husband and I will celebrate our 25th anniversary this year. His parents are in their 70s and still together. We had good examples to follow of making things work...

Anonymous said...

Both your parents sound very wise. Being "smart enuf" never hurts either. Like your mom, I think "having enough" is a good goal.

Lydia said...

O, what a wonderful post. What a wonderful pair! I just love the way both of them expressed themselves. It's easy to see why you are so special, Sharry!

Dorothy said...

I'm so glad I stopped by today to read this post it brought tears to my heart. If only we were able to share the depth of these words with our young children today. There are so few families exuding values like your mom and dad..you are a luck daughter...what best is you know it...

blessings

Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com

Anonymous said...

I'm very impressed and touched. Lots of wisdom here.

Anonymous said...

This is a sweet tribute to your parents, their marriage and advice for others who hope to live into their 90s with the one they love.

Suzann said...

Oh what an amazing post and what amazing people - thank you so much - blessings to you and your parents.

Teann said...

Gordon and Carolyn are role models to so many people. They are delightful examples of how to lead a successful fulfilling life. I am proud to be one of their followers and admirers. I think I fall short of the ideals they set forth . In my life whenever I have wanted advice for major decisions I have asked Carolyn. I love them so much. For anyone who reads this be assured that extended family can make a tremendous impact on extended family members,
Teann Nash (neice)

Diana T. said...

Sharing goals and values with a lifelong partner clearly is the secret to a loving, lasting marriage. It also would appear to be a powerful anti-aging secret, as this 91 year-old couple can probably attest to!